we were an eclipse, and we always will be

a dream we sat in a caged bus stop near a park. it was cobalt blue and not locked but it may as well have been. not to keep us in, but to keep the world out. we sat face to face and all i could feel was your presence. your spirit shone so bright but drew me in like a heaviness i could only describe as black hole-like. you drew me in. you felt so bright but didn't seem it to anyone but me. you felt like home. you were my home. ( you are my home. )

just a few seconds into the dream, a woman parked right in front of us, right on the street, in front of the stop, and about seven feet away. as if we wouldn't be capable of seeing her. she began to film us with her phone. obvious and irksome. 

moments later, a police car drove up and parked behind us, a small ways away and at an angle. not so obvious but still irksome. after a long while, a police woman in plain clothes got out of the car and walked up to us. we sat quietly in the caged bus stop all the while. we could have left whenever we wanted. but we didn't. most everything was just fine, and i was happy to be with you ( wordless and smiling and bright ). 

the woman in the car continued to record us, without our permission. and the woman who had approached us finally asked me, in spanish, no less ( as if it were a blanket of security, as if it would soften the blow of the question, as if it would make it less offensive ). the woman dared ask me: "hola mija, nada más te quería preguntar: ¿estás bien?" 

frst of all, i am not your mija, strange police woman. and second of all, of course i was okay. we were absolutely wonderful before you and that strange woman in the car decided to show up. but i didn't say any of these words, as i only ever had the courage to furrow my brows in confusion ( and disdain, at her presence and her question ), smile, and respond with, "sí."

of course i was okay. i was with you. it was all a dream but i got to be with you again. every dream i have where i get to be with you is a blessing. in the next part of the dream about an hour later ( i had briefly awoken then gone back to sleep ), you became my son. my sun. we were in the park then, surrounded by families, so your safest form was that of my son, and i as your mother. you had gone to play and i looked for you everywhere, for hours and hours, and i couldn't find you. it felt like years had passed inside my heart. finally, i worked up the courage to ask a family if they had seen a small boy with dark curly hair and they motioned just before me. i had found you and not known it til i asked. you had hid under a blanket. my sleeping sun. my peace, my warmth, my heart, my light, my life.

maybe in your next life, this is the way it ought to be, and i will be your mother and you will be my son, my sun, my sun. and that is what we'll be in the next life. this time, i take care of you. this time, i do my best to save your light. this time i forgive myself for not having been able to. this time, my past, our past, is behind us. and we are both redeemed. by god, by spirit, by love. and we're in heaven.

but now, unfortunately, in this life, every day, i wonder what might've been of us, what could've become of us, you and i, my love, had we been left alone. to love one another. like husband and wife. without an audience to throw tomatoes at us everywhere we went.

we were an eclipse, and we always will be. i guess you were meant to be the sun, and i, the moon. forever. in heaven.